My Search for Me

It has been a while since I’ve updated this blog, and so much has happened. I’ve spent a lot of that time thinking about what is next for me, what do I want to do with the next stage in my life. And my discovery has factored into that decision significantly. I have always been interested in psychology and wanted to be a therapist. I’ve realized how important therapy has been for me to work through this betrayal and identity crisis. So, I am now in a master’s program to be a therapist. And of course I know what I want my speciality to be!

While this has been such a life changing event, I would not change anything about it. I have emerged stronger and know myself better than I ever have. I look forward to helping others who have similar experiences to come out on the other side in a healthy way.

I cannot believe how much is different and how much has stayed the same in the past year. My youngest daughter just became Bat Mitzvah. My “new” sister, B, was the only out of town relative who came. We have gotten so close lately and she has made a special effort to be a part of our lives. Due to COVID and school, she came alone, but it was so meaningful to me and my daughter. Even though she isn’t Jewish, she was able to participate in one part of the service and celebrated with us at the party. It was so special.

My mom and birth certificate dad, on the other hand, made no effort to come. When I sent a “save the date” in January of last year, they said no without even considering it. They had many excuses, and it really hurt my feelings. As it got closer, they used other excuses which might be relevant now, but the point was that they wouldn’t even consider making an effort to attend such an important day for their granddaughter….and for me. They knew what it meant to me as I have repeatedly told them. Yet another example of them not being there for me in a way I need them to be.

So, some great updates, some not so great, but I am going to focus on the great. On who IS here for me, not who isn’t.

It’s always strange to come back 7 months later and read my last post….I just think, “wow, so much has changed.” My birthday is in May, and this one was a minor milestone (45). Not a big one, but big enough when I think about how we celebrated the year before (not really at all since we were in lock-down). My husband, K, decided to invite my “new” sister, B, and her family out to the west coast to celebrate. Just the idea that he knew what it would mean to me to meet in person meant so much to me. I felt seen and understood. But then to hear how excited she (and her entire family) was to come out, it just felt so special.

I could write for pages about the amazing time we all had and the fun things we did, but at the heart of it was the connection. From the time she pulled up and got out of the rental car, we hugged and just cried. Our families all got along so well, we couldn’t believe it. My daughters said it felt like they had known their cousins forever. In the evenings while the kids were all hanging out, my husband and I and B and her husband (also B) would just sit at the table and talk. We talked about silly things, but we also had deep, meaningful conversations that I can’t remember having with other family members. I think we all felt a connection that was hard to describe – almost like our cells recognized each other. I always thought that came from growing up with family, but I now think that it is something else. It was very special.

She did tell C (our dad) that she was coming out to see me and while he wasn’t overly supportive, he did offer them a ride to the airport. Maybe not the step we had hoped for, but something. I also learned about our siblings and found out that they did finally know about me, but I think that’s a post for another day. I want to leave this one on the high note that it was.

Looking back, I find it interesting that my last 2 post titles were questions, pondering where to go from here. I think that so much is unknown and unclear these days that most people are feeling unmoored and unsure. Add in an existential identity crisis, and you can imagine the swirl that is my brain these days. You would think that after 3 1/2 years of knowing the truth, I would be more settled, more at peace with myself and my situation. And that is absolutely true to some extent. I no longer feel like I am swimming through a daily fog, that I am questioning truth at every turn. I no longer burst into tears when I tell my story and I am starting to settle into my new reality. But I still also have so many questions, am still trying to figure out exactly who I am. Maybe living in this weird, shaky world for a couple years has helped prepare me for the weird time we find ourselves in these days.

On to a positive note…the other day was my youngest daughter’s birthday. We took every opportunity to show her how special she is and to celebrate the day she came into the world. While a pandemic birthday doesn’t feel the same, she knew she was loved and was feted by so many family and friends in many different ways. We decorated the house and treated her to all of her favorite foods. She received countless texts and phone calls with birthday wishes. She opened several presents that stuck with me. She loved the history books my brother (the one I was raised with) bought her after finding out they share a love for ancient civilizations. It stood out because he spent over an hour searching for an age appropriate series that would be interesting and that they could discuss. Another one that stood out was from my “new” sister, B, and her family. They sent a t-shirt with a pun related to their hometown. It was “cool” and was in my daughter’s favorite color. My daughter immediately said she would wear it the next day and she did. What struck me wasn’t the actual gift, but that in the year we had known each other, she had gotten to know my daughter well enough to know her favorite color and to know what sort of gift she would like.

Her birthday celebration really showed me that joy can be found where we make it and that it isn’t always the grand gestures that are most meaningful. Sometimes all it takes is a phone call or a text about something random to remind me that there are people who know me and love me for who I am.

It’s been a year since I’ve been in touch with my sister, B, and I have been so happy to get to know her. We have supported each other through the craziness of the pandemic and have even had family Among Us games over winter break. We text several times a week with the mundane as well as deeper, more intense text “conversations.” She confronted her (our) dad in late summer, telling him that if he didn’t tell her mom about me, then she would. He did tell her, but they both decided no one else in the family needed to know. B tried to convince them that it was going to come out anyway and didn’t they want to control the message? They did not. There is so much denial by the “adults” in my story, it is hard to believe.

Now I feel like I am in a tough spot. I have so enjoyed getting to know B and her family. But I would like to meet/know my other 3 siblings. I am not concerned about C getting mad at me, he made his choice, but he doesn’t get to make mine. My concern is for B. I am worried about how the other siblings will feel once they know she has known about me for a year. I know she has a complicated relationship with 1 or 2 of them already. How do I balance my lovely relationship with B with my desire to know, to continue to figure things out? I suppose my goal in writing this post was to figure it out….I know I need to talk to B, but I am not sure how to approach the conversation.

I know that is not a very articulate start to this post, but it’s the only word I can think of that really describes how I feel. My “new” sister called me yesterday and told me that our father’s mother (our grandmother) had passed away. It feels WEIRD to be grieving some I don’t know….but that is what I am grieving. I am grieving the opportunity to know my grandmother. I am grieving ever knowing whether I have her nose or her laugh. I am grieving what might have been.

My sister brought it up and said she had always envisioned me meeting everyone. I realized in that moment that I had felt the same way. I hope it will not be too late for anyone else by the time C decides to tell his wife. I’ve so enjoyed getting to know my sister, that I am looking forward to meeting my other siblings. Hopefully it will be soon.

As I typed the title for this post, I realize that this is probably a very common feeling these days. Not only are we in the middle of an international pandemic and struggling with a very strange “Back to School” season, here in the Bay Area, we are also facing wildfires and unsafe air. I do feel very lucky – my family is healthy, my husband and I both have our jobs, we have a house that is safe, and our kids are in a school that has invested significantly in making their distance learning successful. On the other hand, the one thing that keeps me sane during these tough times – going outdoors, whether for a walk or to meet friends for a socially distanced outdoor gathering- is not currently available due to the unsafe levels of wildfire smoke in the air. I also have a chronic back issue that has flared up over the past week.

I am also overwhelmed in a positive way by the creativity and ingenuity of people as we go into month 6 of this pandemic. My oldest daughter became Bat Mitzvah over zoom in May, and the response from family and friends was amazing. We’ve celebrated birthdays and anniversaries in unique ways. While we haven’t been able to travel as we have planned, we have enjoyed support new restaurants and local favorites. My newly found sister and I have become very close since we have connected – we’ve had several FaceTime chats and text each other several times a week.

I have so appreciated the messages I’ve received from you about how this blog has helped you to feel just a little less alone. It can be overwhelming.