I have really been grieving the past year and a half. Most people only associate grief with death, but grief is a part of any kind of loss. Finding out that my father was not my biological father has triggered a very real sense of loss on so many levels. I am grieving for the me that I thought I was. I am grieving for the inevitably changed relationship with my dad. I am grieving the loss of my relationship with my mother. We are not estranged or anything that drastic, but my relationship with her is forever changed. I’ve asked for more support and information and she has been unable or unwilling to provide it. I am grieving for a relationship that I didn’t get to have.
And I am grieving for my history. Now all of my memories about my childhood are filtered through the lens of what I know now, through the basis that it was all based on a lie. I am grieving for the confidence of really knowing who I am. It also adds a layer to processing the grief in that I do have to figure out how to rebuild a relationship with the source of the grief; how to have my parents in my life and in the lives of my children in a healthy way.
I know that grief is composed of stages in a cycle and isn’t linear. Lately I have been vacillating between anger and sadness, with a little hopefulness sprinkled in….I hope that getting some answers will help me to get through toward acceptance and forgiveness.