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Everywhere

One of the hardest things about discovering my DNA reality is that I often feel very alone in my experience. Yes, I can talk to my husband or friend about it, but it isn’t easy to understand just how all encompassing it can be if you haven’t experienced it yourself. The Facebook support groups have been a tremendous help in getting emotional support from folks who know what it is like and are going through similar experiences themselves. While everyone has a unique twist to each story, the underlying emotions of confusion, betrayal, and loss of identity are all the same. I’ve been surprised at how many people have been impacted by situations such as mine. I often wonder if it is because I am so attuned to it or if it really is becoming that much more common with the prevalence of DNA testing.

I’ve come across 2 articles in the past week that I wanted to share because they resonated with me. The authors have very different stories and approaches (and very different writing styles) but the emotions behind them are the same.

Bastard (The Cut) in which Elizabeth Wurtzel talks about her relationship with the man she would later find out was her biological father.

How a DNA Testing Kit Revealed a Family Secret Hidden for 54 Years (Time) in which the author and novelist Dani Shapiro tells her story about finding out that her biological father was actually a sperm donor. She has written a book about her experience, too which will be released in 2 weeks.

I’ll also add these links to the Resources page.

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Happy 2019

As we celebrated the end of 2018 and the start of a new year, our family reflected on the past year and discussed our wishes for the coming year. While 2017 was a tough year, full of loss and confusion, 2018 was a year of growth and light. I started writing again and made huge strides in coming to terms with my biological reality…including identifying my biological father. I’ve started to really forgive my parents and have accepted that I cannot change them or my history.

For thoughts on 2019, my kids discussed age appropriate resolutions like trying new foods, wanting to do their best in extracurricular activities and school, and being kinder to each other. My husband is going to focus on staying healthy. I decided to go with a resolution idea I got from the Happiness Project podcast. I am going to live 2019 through the lens of the word, “Learn.” To me, this word encompasses all I want to do this year. Whether it is a literal interpretation of the word by focusing on piano lessons or how to be a better writer, it also casts a wider net. I will learn to not take things so personally. I will learn to be more open. I am going to spend the year making decisions and taking action with the filter of learning.

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Resolutions

As the year winds down, and I started thinking about 2019, I decided to reach out to C one last time.  I am feeling the pull of the new year, of the optimism of the ability to move forward, and felt like I needed to do so in order to really move on.  I sent one more message:

I understand your hesitancy in responding to me. I am guessing you were as in the dark about me as I was about you. I am assuming that your profession may make this a little more complicated than otherwise may be. I just want you to know my story, and, honestly, for you to know a little about me. I am a big believer in New Year resolutions and my resolution this year is to move forward. I have spent the past year and a half in an internal turmoil.  I’ve done so much looking back and questioning what might have been that I have begun to lose sight of the present, not to mention the future.  I am using the holiday as an impetus for letting it go.  I do not want to burden you nor do I want to cause any complications for you, so I will not bother you again unless you reach out to me. I just want you to know about me and maybe in time when you feel comfortable, you can send me family/health information. 

A year and a half ago I found out that the man who raised me was not my biological father via a 23andme test. My mom (xxx) was less than forthcoming about details and didn’t give me any ideas of who my biological father might be. It took me a year of working through my anger and sense of betrayal to be ready to start trying to figure out who my biological father was. At that time, I spoke with my uncle (S) and aunt (D) and they both had opinions on who my biological father might be…they felt like you were a possibility, particularly given our resemblance. I then took an ancestry.com test and got the same match you did. I can only imagine that receiving that match notification (as well as my note) have been unsettling for you.

I am 42 years old. I grew up on the Gulf Coast and went to college at Tulane on a scholarship. I graduated with honors and have worked in finance and project management since then. I moved to San Francisco in 2000, met my husband, and still live in the Bay Area . We have 2 daughters (11 and 9) who are smart, curious, thoughtful, and kind. I am in awe of them every day.  

I am happy and have a wonderful life. I hope the same is true for you.


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Patience

Well, it’s been over 3 weeks since I messaged C and I haven’t heard from him at all.  I know he received my note because when I logged into ancestry.com, it said he logged in the day after I sent it. In some ways, it feels like a lot of time has gone by, how long does it take to respond to a note?  But I realize that is a naive perspective, that this news has to be very shocking to him.  I don’t believe he had any idea that an indiscretion over 40 years ago produced a daughter.  I understand that coming to terms with this might take some time. He doesn’t know me, he doesn’t know that I don’t want anything from him other than to know him and for him to know about me. So, I wait.

One positive thing to come out of this whole experience is that I have been learning a lot about myself, particularly that I can be patient.  It is very well established that I am an impatient person. Having kids forced me to come to terms with it and actively work on it.  However, I didn’t really feel good about it until recently.  Much of this experience has been  “hurry up and wait.” Whether waiting on test results or for other information, I have been patient.  I have been patient with myself as I grieve for my past and my strained relationship with my mother.  I have been patient as I establish a new reality for myself.  And I will be patient as I wait.

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Vulnerability

As I type this, I haven’t heard back from C. I just logged into ancestry.com and saw that he logged in a few days ago which means he received my message.  I don’t think he knew anything about me prior to seeing it show up on ancestry, so I understand the shock and confusion he is feeling.  I have been expecting that it will take some time for him to right me back.

That being said, I do feel vulnerable – I put myself out there knowing that I have no control over what happens next.  No one likes feeling vulnerable, but if this whole experience has taught me anything, it’s taught me that I have to be vulnerable sometimes.  And most times, it is worth it.

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Hitting send

I spent much of the week of Thanksgiving thinking and reflecting. Now that I know, what do I do? In an ideal world, what would I want to happen?  If I reach out, what is the worst case scenario?

Uncle S and Aunt D came to town to visit this week.  I talked with them about the results and sought their advice since they both knew C.  They lost touch with him as tends to happen, but Uncle S offered to reach out to him if I wanted.  While I appreciated the offer, I feel like this is something I have to do myself.  When I logged into ancestry.com to show them, it showed that C had logged in the week before….which means he likely saw the “new” relative: a daughter he didn’t know he had.  My account is under my married name, so I don’t believe he can make the connection immediately.

After our guests left, I decided that I would message C.  I didn’t like the idea that he had such a shock in the way that he had.  I realized that he deserved answers as much as I do.  So, this morning, I sent him a short message through ancestry.com.  I kept it simple: 

I received a bit of a shock about my biological family after having done a DNA test on 23andme last spring. This is new information to me, and I am trying to figure out and clarify who I am related to. After some family research and doing a follow-up on ancestry.com, I believe we are related. My mother is xxxx.
I’m primarily seeking family medical history and do not have any desire to disrupt a family or relationships. I’m willing to be discreet and hope you will be willing to talk to me. I can be reached through this message center or via email.

I’m not 100% sure on what I want his response to be, but I feel like I owed it to both of us to hit send. 

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Thankful

I know that many of the posts I write are angsty and worry-laden, but I am feeling very thankful right now, thankful for so many reasons.

I live in the Bay Area, and we have had terrible air quality for almost 2 weeks now.  It has gotten so bad, schools were canceled on Friday and there haven’t been any sporting events for most of November.  But I won’t complain – what we are experiencing is trivial compared to what the victims of the Camp and Woolsey fires are going through.  I honestly cannot imagine what it is like for them, the terror many of them felt as they were escaping, the folks that didn’t make it, or family and friends of those still missing. Or how the people living very close to the fires are doing, those who have evacuated and those wondering if and when they may need to evacuate. I am thankful to be here.

Despite their mistakes, I am thankful I had 2 parents who loved me and tried their best with what they felt was a no-win situation.  I am thankful for siblings who love horror flicks and McDonalds for Thanksgiving dinner as much as I do. I am thankful for a loud, raucous extended family who keeps things lively. I am thankful for old friends who couldn’t feel more like family even if we were blood related.  I am thankful for a safe, warm, and comfortable home. I am thankful for a flexible job that allows me to spend time with my family. I am thankful for my silly labradoodle.

Most of all, I am thankful for my husband and children. I am thankful for kind, loving, funny, clever kids who keep me on my toes with their questions and observations, kids who occasionally still like to snuggle with me despite their tween ages.  I am so thankful for my husband who is the smartest person I know, someone who can be sweet, silly, and sexy all at once.  I am thankful he has been so understanding, patient, and helpful with me on this journey.  

Despite the heartbreak and loss associated with finding out about my true biology, I am also thankful for it. I am thankful for the ability to make sense of my past and to be responsible for shaping my present and future.

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Answers

Well, I finally got back the results of my ancestry.com test and the answer was more obvious that I had even hoped.  When I finally got the nerve to log in, I immediately looked at the DNA relative section.  It was there, noting clear as day, in black and white what I had suspected – “C is your father.”

I asked my mom about him and she conceded that it “could” be him.  

It looks like C had submitted his DNA to ancestry.com a couple of years ago and had logged in as recently as September.  Now I don’t know what to do….do I reach out to him?  What if he gets the email, “You have new DNA relatives” and he logs in to see this relationship?  Based on what I can put together, he has no idea. Now that it is right in front of me, I don’t know what to do.

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Grieving

I have really been grieving the past year and a half.  Most people only associate grief with death, but grief is a part of any kind of loss. Finding out that my father was not my biological father has triggered a very real sense of loss on so many levels.  I am grieving for the me that I thought I was.  I am grieving for the inevitably changed relationship with my dad. I am grieving the loss of my relationship with my mother. We are not estranged or anything that drastic, but my relationship with her is forever changed.  I’ve asked for more support and information and she has been unable or unwilling to provide it.  I am grieving for a relationship that I didn’t get to have.

And I am grieving for my history. Now all of my memories about my childhood are filtered through the lens of what I know now, through the basis that it was all based on a lie. I am grieving for the confidence of really knowing who I am. It also adds a layer to processing the grief in that I do have to figure out how to rebuild a relationship with the source of the grief; how to have my parents in my life and in the lives of my children in a healthy way.

I know that grief is composed of stages in a cycle and isn’t linear.  Lately I have been vacillating between anger and sadness, with a little hopefulness sprinkled in….I hope that getting some answers will help me to get through toward acceptance and forgiveness.

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Inbox

I’ve had an email in my inbox for a couple of days now – my ancestry.com results are finally ready.  Surprising myself, I did not immediately click on the link once it landed there.  I realized that I didn’t want to interfere with family time this weekend.  I knew that no matter what the data showed, it would throw me into emotional turmoil.  So I waited, am still waiting.  I know that it could tell me nothing new.  But I also know that there is the possibility that my research and initial thoughts could be confirmed.  And then what?  Am I ready for the next steps of confronting my mom?  Or potentially reaching out to new biological family members? I’m not sure yet, so I haven’t clicked. Maybe tomorrow.