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I’ve Spoken to Him

So much has happened in the past few weeks since I’ve last written. After I reached out to my half-sister on Facebook, I didn’t hear back from her, but I did hear from C. He send me a somewhat snide message on FB messenger, ” I see you have messaged my kids. If you want to call me that is fine. Not sure what to do or what you want.”

Obviously this message hurt. I had sent him a couple messages, but it took my reaching out to his daughter for him to respond. After taking some breaths, I knew how to respond. I had really explored the journey and complexities of my feelings in this blog, so wrote: “I’m just tired of being lied to, my real life being a secret, and am trying to figure out who I am. You might not realize it, but to find out you’ve been lied to your whole life is not easy. There are so many questions that I don’t have answers to, that I would like to know. Maybe reading my blog (it is all anonymous) will help you understand. Start at the beginning then read in order. https://mysearch4me.com/hello-world/“

Within a couple of hours, he responded, “Sorry you feel this way. That is hard. If you want to call me, my cell is xxx.” Of course I was headed out to start the afternoon carpool, so just responded that I had to gather my thoughts and would contact him in a couple days.

I called him a few days later. When I identified myself, I asked if it was a good time to talk. He said he had some time and before I could say anything, he apologized for not responding sooner. He said he had no idea and he really had no excuse for not responding at the initial contact. All my attempts at keeping my composure were lost at that point. We talked for 30 minutes or so – about everything from my uncle, to my daughters, to my Judaism, to his other children and his love for languages. He mentioned that he hadn’t responded initially because his wife still doesn’t know about me. When his daughter got my message, she went straight to him and he admitted the truth to her…but not his wife. We discussed the challenges of his profession (he is still an active minister) and how that complicated the situation. As our call wound down, he asked, “What do we do from here, what would you like to see happen?” I was so caught off guard because I didn’t know. I sort of changed the subject as we got off the phone.

After sobbing, then pulling myself together after the call, I realized I really didn’t know what I wanted. I’ve always just focused on the next step and short-term, tactical steps. What do I want?

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Sent

It was really hard to figure out what to say in the message to my half-sister. The first message I drafted was really long and super bitter, so I deleted it. The second was too short and blunt so I worried she thought it was spam/phishing. So I thought a lot over the next few days about what I would say. I finally just wrote it and hit send before I could overthink it.

Hi B,

I’ve recently found out that C is my biological father, which means you are my half-sister. Apparently I am the product of a youthful indiscretion over 40+ years ago, but I didn’t know the man who raised me wasn’t my biological father until recently. I have proof that your dad has seen, but he isn’t interested in hearing from me. I am not trying to cause trouble, but would like you to know I exist and would like to know family medical history, etc. I know this is probably shocking and difficult to hear, as this whole situation has been very difficult for me as well.

And that’s it. I’m not really sure what sort of response I want, but I do want a response.

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Contact?

I know it’s been a while since I last wrote. Things had gotten hectic over the summer and with back to school. Now that things have calmed down, I’ve been thinking a lot about contacting my half-siblings via my birth father. He hasn’t responded to any of my attempts to reach out to him, but I feel like I gave him many chances. Just because he doesn’t want to know me, does that mean he gets to make the decision for my siblings? I don’t even know how many kids he has, I just know he has more than 1 and 1 is a sister. Apparently we resembled each other quite s bit as little girls per my aunt (who won “guess the birth father”). He has no right to decide who I know or whether they know he isn’t perfect. I did nothing wrong. I feel like all of my “parents” have made (poor) decisions for me my whole life and I’m ready to make my own. I’ve found the one sister on Facebook, so am now just trying to think about what to say. Not quite sure how to say, “your dad isn’t who you think he is and by the way, I’m your sister.” Maybe not the right tactic. Maybe I just say, “I”m your sister. Your dad doesn’t want to know me, but I’m hoping you do.”

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Wow.

Ever since I found out the truth 2 years ago, I’ve struggled with how to tell my children. Initially it was because I wasn’t sure they would actually understand. And, it was hard to imagine telling them how I felt and what it all meant when I wasn’t sure of that myself. So, after 2 years of searching for answers and seeing an amazing therapist, I felt as though I was in a healthy place about it to have the conversation. I came to learn that it was easier said than done. We have a fairly busy schedule, and I didn’t want the conversation to feel rushed or the girls to feel that they didn’t have time to process it. So when July 4th came and our only plan was to hang out at the pool and have the MIL over in the afternoon, I knew I had the perfect opportunity.

I can’t have imagined a better reaction from them. They asked thoughtful questions and had such kind things to say. They were most surprised that C (bio-dad) didn’t respond to me/didn’t want to know me or us. I explained to them that he didn’t know us, wasn’t rejecting us, was rejecting the idea of us. My youngest (10) asked to see a photo of him when I mentioned that I finally knew where I got my nose. I showed her his facebook profile pic, and she thought my smile was the same too. Later in the day, my oldest (12) told me that she thought I was brave for putting myself out there to find him and to reach out to him. My youngest wrote me a note, “Your (sic) amazing and the best mother and your life should be as great as you are. I love you so much and everyone else should too. PS. Your (sic) still a great mom even tho (sic) u (sic) won’t let me have more ipad time.”

How lucky am I?

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Contact

Well, it wasn’t exactly the contact I had hoped for, but it is a start. I received a message this weekend via 23andme from a woman asking to connect and to figure out how we were related. We shared about 12% DNA. After sending a few messages back and forth, I got the message, “I am your aunt. Call me,” along with her phone number in Georgia. I should have taken time to gather my thoughts and figure out what I wanted to ask, but I immediately called her. She is my birth father’s aunt, his father’s brother. She gave me some general family data: my birth father has 3 older sisters, he has 3 or 4 daughters and adopted 2 children from Haiti after the hurricane, and has retired from his ministry. She didn’t have much more info as she was not close to her brother (he did not sound like a great person), but did give me some health information. She also asked for my address and said she would mail me some family photos of my great-grandparents and grandfather.

She was very sweet, and I was happy to make the connection. She did also say a few things that have stuck with me, have me thinking. She said that C would have been a teenager when I was conceived. My mom was 21, so I wonder just how young he was? Also, she mentioned that she thought he didn’t want respond due to his profession, but then also said he was retired….She thought that his sister that was just older than him (J, whom my uncle dated for years) might be willing to talk to me, that she was the most likely close family member who would be open and would have a lot of information.

Of course I had a million and one questions for her after I hung up. I figured I’d hold them for a couple of days before bombarding her. So, not the contact that I thought I had, but some helpful information. And she was very kind.

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What I Want to Say

Apologies on the lack of posts recently, but I was on a fabulous vacation with my husband and daughters. There’s nothing like getting out of your comfort zone to remind you of your priorities. I had a lot of time to think on the trip…about trust, relationships, and character. As I looked at my daughters experiencing so many new things over the past couple of weeks, I admired their character – their open hearts, appetites for knowledge, consideration for others, and kindness. With these thoughts in my head, I came back home. While catching up on Facebook, I decided to check out the latest on my bio dad’s Facebook page (reminder: I wrote him several times through ancestry and Facebook messenger but haven’t received a response. He’s seen our DNA match in Ancestry.com). The more I read his posts, the more I questioned my bio dad’s character. His page is full of biblical posts about being a man of God, a man of character, full of anti-abortion propaganda. I know I’ve posted about this before, but it’s just so extreme…and wrong. And I just thought, “what a hypocrite.” I want to say to him:

How can you consider yourself a man of character, a “man of God” when you won’t even respond to your biological daughter – she isn’t asking to be part of your family, but to only know biological facts and medical history. How can you sit there, saying that abortion should be illegal when you won’t even acknowledge your own youthful indiscretion? If you had your way, would it be acceptable to force a woman to have a baby she didn’t want, but a man doesn’t have to even knowledge that baby? Maybe you think that no one knows your true character, hiding behind your title, bible quotes, and robes. Despite your attempts to portray yourself as a man of integrity and character, I can see behind the facade and now know who you really are and I am disappointed.

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Visit

My parents are coming to visit us next month, and I’m not sure how I feel about it. I haven’t seen them since I was down south for my aunt’s funeral last year. Prior to that, I had only seen them one other time since I found out the truth. My parents are of the school of thought that if they don’t talk about something, it didn’t happen. They have lived a life of denial for the past 40+ years, so they’ve gotten really good at it. I don’t know why I should hope or expect for them to change in 2 years when they haven’t indicated that they want to or think that they need to change at all.

They’re only coming to town for 3 days/2 nights, so I’m torn as to whether I try to push for some closure or if I play their game and just let the kids enjoy their time with their grandparents. I keep going back and forth in my mind. On the one hand, my kids haven’t seen them in almost 2 years…however flawed they are, I do think it’s important for my kids to have a relationship with them. On the other hand, I am tired of living life in denial. Hopefully I will get some clarity in the next couple of weeks.

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Hypocrite

I still have not heard back from biological father even though it has now been several months since I last contacted him. While I don’t know what is going on in his life, I feel like he probably won’t respond at all at this point. I am disappointed as it would be nice to have medical history details as well as potentially meet my half siblings. However, I am fairly content with it at this moment in time though I am a bit perplexed. I understand that his job (he is a Lutheran minister) may complicate his response, but it actually makes me question his lack of response even more. I’ve checked out his Facebook page and he has a lot of anti-abortion postings. Seems to me that it is an extremely hypocritical position at this time: if one is opposed to abortion, shouldn’t one be pro-family, and for knowing your children? I don’t understand how a “man of God” can to be opposed to abortion yet refuse to acknowledge his own child. I truly don’t understand how someone can so forcefully claim to be “pro-family” yet ignore his own. I believe that this will all come out eventually, and he will have to face the hypocrisy.

(Aside: I am very prochoice, but am obviously happy my mother did not choose that option…though I am glad she had the option).

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Finding the Win

I had a dermatologist appointment today with a new doctor and I was so proud of myself. Any time in the past 2 years that I’ve had to fill out a medical history or answer any questions about family health background, I’ve stumbled and stuttered. I didn’t know how to say that I didn’t know any details about half my biology, that I had this gaping hole where this knowledge should be, that the previous medical history I had given them is no longer valid. I’ve addressed it in so many weird ways….from mumbling explanations to tearfully giving the doctor WAY too much information. But the gist of it is I don’t know if I have a history of colon cancer or heart disease or anything else. Today, when the doctor asked about my family history of skin cancer, I calmly explained that there was some on my maternal side, but that I didn’t have any details of my father’s medical history. And that was that, no mumbling through unnecessary details, no tears; just the truth in a no nonsense manner. After she left the room, I felt such a sense of relief and pride. I am making progress. With every 2 steps forward, there is a step backward, but I am moving forward and learning to live with my new reality in a healthier way.

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Inheritance

I finally started the book, Inheritance, by Dani Shapiro and I could not put it down. As is obvious by this blog, I’ve written a lot about my experiences. I have used writing as a way to sort through my feelings, whether I posted it here or not. However, I don’t think I’ve ever really been able to articulate exactly how this whole situation has made me feel or impacted my life and relationships. Ms. Shapiro has been able to put everything into beautiful, thoughtful words. Granted our situations are slightly different (her bio dad was a sperm donor), but she is able to paint a portrait of internal conflicts, identity issues, and challenges to family relationships. My husband is now listening to the audio book, and I purchased copies for my brother and best friend. I would recommend it as core reading to anyone impacted by an unexpected DNA result.