So much has happened in the past few weeks since I’ve last written. After I reached out to my half-sister on Facebook, I didn’t hear back from her, but I did hear from C. He send me a somewhat snide message on FB messenger, ” I see you have messaged my kids. If you want to call me that is fine. Not sure what to do or what you want.”
Obviously this message hurt. I had sent him a couple messages, but it took my reaching out to his daughter for him to respond. After taking some breaths, I knew how to respond. I had really explored the journey and complexities of my feelings in this blog, so wrote: “I’m just tired of being lied to, my real life being a secret, and am trying to figure out who I am. You might not realize it, but to find out you’ve been lied to your whole life is not easy. There are so many questions that I don’t have answers to, that I would like to know. Maybe reading my blog (it is all anonymous) will help you understand. Start at the beginning then read in order. https://mysearch4me.com/hello-world/“
Within a couple of hours, he responded, “Sorry you feel this way. That is hard. If you want to call me, my cell is xxx.” Of course I was headed out to start the afternoon carpool, so just responded that I had to gather my thoughts and would contact him in a couple days.
I called him a few days later. When I identified myself, I asked if it was a good time to talk. He said he had some time and before I could say anything, he apologized for not responding sooner. He said he had no idea and he really had no excuse for not responding at the initial contact. All my attempts at keeping my composure were lost at that point. We talked for 30 minutes or so – about everything from my uncle, to my daughters, to my Judaism, to his other children and his love for languages. He mentioned that he hadn’t responded initially because his wife still doesn’t know about me. When his daughter got my message, she went straight to him and he admitted the truth to her…but not his wife. We discussed the challenges of his profession (he is still an active minister) and how that complicated the situation. As our call wound down, he asked, “What do we do from here, what would you like to see happen?” I was so caught off guard because I didn’t know. I sort of changed the subject as we got off the phone.
After sobbing, then pulling myself together after the call, I realized I really didn’t know what I wanted. I’ve always just focused on the next step and short-term, tactical steps. What do I want?