After thinking long and hard, I have realized that I don’t need one more person in my life that I am begging to know me, to love me. I am done with trying to convince people I am worthy. The people I care about know that, and I shouldn’t need to convince anyone else of that fact. While he seems like a nice enough person, I am not a secret and the fact that he can’t tell his wife is enough for me to know that it is not healthy for me to keep hoping he wants to be a part of my life. At the end of the day, I think I just wanted answers. And while I didn’t get many, I got enough. He didn’t know about me and doesn’t really want to get to know me. It would have been nice to get to know my siblings, but I also think this desire is rooted in the fact that it’s almost like a “do-over,” a chance to have the sort of sibling relationships that I wish I had. But now I know that isn’t going to happen either, that I cannot go back in time. So I will let them go too. I am not going to close doors, just tell them that they are the ones that will have to come through it.
Hi C, Thank you again for the talk a couple of weeks ago. I know it wasn’t an easy conversation for me and I can only imagine the same is true for you. When I found out the truth about my biology, I just really wanted some answers – 40 years is a long time to believe you are someone you are not….not to mention that I could no longer accurately fill out a medical history form for me or my kids. I also felt a lot of shame which was surprising because I did nothing to cause myself to be ashamed. When we got off the phone, you asked me what I wanted for next steps and I sort of ignored the question as I didn’t really know. Throughout the time since my discovery, it’s really been about taking one step at a time, not really thinking beyond that. I never really allowed myself to think of the long term, of what this would look like on an ongoing basis. It’s taken 2 and a half years for me to get to this point and at times, it has been extremely hard for me. So what do I want? I realize that at the beginning of this process, I probably had a romanticized idea in my head that once we made contact, all of my questions would be answered and we (and my half-siblings) would have these wonderful relationships. But now I have realized that this isn’t about what I want, but is about what is realistic. And I didn’t get the impression that this is something you are open to or that you would want. I wanted to let you know that I will not initiate contact with you after this message. I have a full life with a wonderful husband and two beautiful, healthy daughters that I need to focus on now. I need to stop worrying about what might have been or could be and need to focus on what is. I am not closing the door to future contact (as I would like to get to know you), but am putting it in your hands when and if you are ready. Best wishes to you and your family.