Looking back, I find it interesting that my last 2 post titles were questions, pondering where to go from here. I think that so much is unknown and unclear these days that most people are feeling unmoored and unsure. Add in an existential identity crisis, and you can imagine the swirl that is my brain these days. You would think that after 3 1/2 years of knowing the truth, I would be more settled, more at peace with myself and my situation. And that is absolutely true to some extent. I no longer feel like I am swimming through a daily fog, that I am questioning truth at every turn. I no longer burst into tears when I tell my story and I am starting to settle into my new reality. But I still also have so many questions, am still trying to figure out exactly who I am. Maybe living in this weird, shaky world for a couple years has helped prepare me for the weird time we find ourselves in these days.
On to a positive note…the other day was my youngest daughter’s birthday. We took every opportunity to show her how special she is and to celebrate the day she came into the world. While a pandemic birthday doesn’t feel the same, she knew she was loved and was feted by so many family and friends in many different ways. We decorated the house and treated her to all of her favorite foods. She received countless texts and phone calls with birthday wishes. She opened several presents that stuck with me. She loved the history books my brother (the one I was raised with) bought her after finding out they share a love for ancient civilizations. It stood out because he spent over an hour searching for an age appropriate series that would be interesting and that they could discuss. Another one that stood out was from my “new” sister, B, and her family. They sent a t-shirt with a pun related to their hometown. It was “cool” and was in my daughter’s favorite color. My daughter immediately said she would wear it the next day and she did. What struck me wasn’t the actual gift, but that in the year we had known each other, she had gotten to know my daughter well enough to know her favorite color and to know what sort of gift she would like.
Her birthday celebration really showed me that joy can be found where we make it and that it isn’t always the grand gestures that are most meaningful. Sometimes all it takes is a phone call or a text about something random to remind me that there are people who know me and love me for who I am.